(Click on the image to have a better view)
COURTESY
CORRECTNESS
CONCISENESS
CLARITY
COHERENCE AND COHESION
CONCRETENESS
COMPLETENESS
Purpose of letter: To inform graduating students about online declaration of graduate modules for credit.
In my opinion, the letter was courteous and concise. The language used was clear and minimal words were being used to describe situations in a comprehend way. The writer also used numberings to indicate clearly the different important points that she wished to inform the reader. In addition, the information was assembled in a cohesive and coherence way which enhances the understanding of the reader. Useful links were also provided to ensure that students would be able to access the website efficiently.
However, the writer could make some changes to improve her letter slightly. Firstly, writer could have included the phrase “Dear Students” at the beginning of her letter to address the students. Secondly, she could have rephrased the following statement in the forth point “If you fail to file for ….fulfillment of the Undergraduate Degree” to make it sound more subtle. She could change it to “If you were to miss the declaration period, it will be assumed that you wish to use the Graduate Module(s) for fulfillment of the Undergraduate Degree” Thirdly, she could have signed off with “Regards, XXXX” at the end of the letter. And lastly she could have included and email address or a phone number that students could turn to for further enquires.
Edited 17/02/09
This is a good letter to critique, Ayu, and you provide a very worthy analysis. Only a couple verb problems appear in your last paragraph. (corrections: "rephrased" & "were to miss")
ReplyDeleteTerima kasih!
Dear Ayu,
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, this letter is very cold. It just feels like a set of things which the university expects us to do!
You suggestion for "If you fail to... ...fulfilment of the undergraduate degree" is good. I believe readers would respond better to that.
Good job Ayu!
Regards,
Mosssssses :P
Hey Ayu,
ReplyDeleteYou have done a great job in analyzing this email. Although it covers most of the 7C’s it lacks proper salutations such as “Dear Students”, “Best Regards” at the beginning and the end of the letter.
Dinidu
Hi Ayu,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your analysis for this email. In addition to the points you brought up, I felt that the clarity of this email could have been better. As the instructions mentioned requires readers to carry out a series of steps online, a series of 'print screens' could be added to illustrate what the writer meant.
Hi Brad, thanks for editing my mistakes. I have made the necessary changes. Hope to reduce such grammatical errors in future.
ReplyDeleteHi Duane, I think your suggestion about the print screen was great. Thank you for the idea
Hi Ayu!
ReplyDeleteThe first thought that came to me when I clicked on the image was: "Isn't this a page from the school's website?"
Later, when I found out that it was an email from a staff, I had to agree that it was cold and very mechanical.
I liked your concise and straight-to-the-point analysis. And I felt the same about the point on leaving an email address or phone number for further contact enquiries. Since this is a crucial matter for graduating students, it would be very helpful if there was an available platform to contact the department as soon as possible.